Trinny & Suzanna

My lovely Michelle took a call yesterday from Trinny & Suzanna; you know those two posh birds on TV who do their irritating utmost to inject style and elegance into the dysfunctional fashion habits of middle England. Just for the record Suzanna is the one with the jugs and Trinny is the one with a chest like a second hand surfboard. As it turns out they are on the scout for likely couples who could do with a good going over. I don't know about you but I feel pretty at home with my fashion statement, I think I carry off a thick black gi darn well for someone of my age and yes apart from that my wardrobe is a little empty. Also recently I discovered all of my serviceable clothes had mysteriously shrunk … but not my shoes!

That phone call had brought to light the fact that my beloved does not want a share in my eclectic dress sense, she does not see me as I am positive the way that the vastly more experienced eyes of Trinny and Suzanna will as a style icon for the Forest of Dean and or indeed Gloucester.

On the other hand Michelle has plenty of clothes and they all fit and the lucky lady gets most of her outfits from work for FREE! It has been murmured along the squeaky green corridors of power that the deficit of the NHS is largely down to keeping pace with her selfish wardrobe demands. She has loads of white shirt things and dresses all with a tasteful but classic purple piping around the collars and cuffs but oh no! she is now no longer satisfied with you and I paying and the NHS supplying, Michelle wants to go private! All I hear about is Gucci this and Prada that, I just hope that Trinny and Suzanna can slap some sense into the woman, God knows I have tried.

I just hope that this latest celebrity hook up will not end as badly as the Noel Edmonds fiasco earlier this year. My face is I feel indelibly etched into the tiny brain of the Deal or no Deal star along with his entire production team but that is another story. If any does want her learn of the full story please Text ‘Irritating midget' to 07776 202011 or email ‘Debased dwarf' to marcmoor@googlemail.com and I promise to publish the full account and risk being dammed for all eternity!